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But who ever sees their own back? You never plan on it changing. There are bits of your body you carry around all your life but never really own. She supposes that if anyone owned her back, it was her late husband, as he was the only one ever to see it regularly. Even in old age she thinks of her husband at least once every day- something will rear up and remind her of that brief marriage which in time has come to seem more like an enclosure she’d stumbled upon than a legal arrangement formally entered. It is a thought I would rather repress, not relive. He is always, in her recollections, lying in bed, waiting for her, a presence, a grief, an ache. But in fact, he had never once waited for her in bed, being occupied during the late hours, in his favorite chair, always reading the bible. She must, she thinks, get that part right… he had never awaited her. But what was his name? What was his name? Her husband’s name? A suppressed pain. Fear. There is something careless about this. The pool struck warm after the cooler air above the water, they stepped down the stairs hardly wishing to disturb the flat surface, they stood for a second or two, hand in hand savouring the peace of this private moment, then together they began to swim, gently, slowly and quietly towards the deep end. For ten long minutes they swam, savouring the peace and the privacy, and the effect of the freedom on unclothed flesh the water on caressing parts normally untouched. Then with his feet flat on the bottom and water to their necks he stood, her arms round his neck, kissing each other once again, her breasts more of neutral weight in the water, took on a rubbery effect, that felt so different to his soft touch, more tender, the nipples like stiff nubs between his fingers. She whispered that “he must fuck her and fuck her now!” The first words she had really spoken since the changing room, not his own dear mother`s normal vocabulary but that of his whore, his woman, his receptacle.
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